Get a load of our new dog. His name is Louie. A name so nice it sounds like a song if you say it twice. Louie. If you say Louie twice into a mirror he sheds hair on you. Michael Nutter would ban Louie Louie from work places because of the second-hand shedding respiration hazards. And this is only April.

Wait till Louie gets hot. Wait till Louie lives his first Philadelphia summer, or any summer for that matter. Louie -- did I mention that he's a blonde lab -- will be a walking blizzard by July. He's a puppy the size of a small triceritops, but instead of a bony snout and piercing horns, he's got a tiny wet nose, tiny only in comparison to the enormous pink maw that is the mouth of Louie Louie. Even his nose is pink. But his mouth is everywhere. His mouth eats the cat's shit and then wants to mate with my face. And I let him. Because , well, look at that punim.

As you can see -- and perhaps this explains it all: I've always been drawn to loser dogs. Mischievous mutts with ADD. Dopey, sincere, loving mongrels -- this dog is a purebred. We've never had a purebred before. By purebred I mean any white dog without Italian ancestry. But this dog has been cleared by the Hitler Youth. He has his Aryan paypahs. Despite being a foundling (what's a pedigree white lab puppy cost? We figure it's an overwhelmed student who abandoned him in the park.) he was clearly an expensive animal, yet we acquired him the cheap old fashioned way. Dog needs food, a roof and peace.

Well take a look at peace incarnate. A dirty white dog on a dirty white sofa. Outside in the rain. Does it get any better than this for a dirty white puppy? What Louie doesn't know is that we're in the process of throwing out those waterlogged and magnificent dirty white sofas. So what if they've been in the back yard for a month.

Tell me you aren't thinking about that song?

Come on, you know the one. If you're not thinking about the bass power beat behind the rocking Foreigner song "Dirty White Boy" please access it, and the lyrics as well, which go like this:

"cause Im a dirty white boy
Dirty white boy, yeah, dirty white boy
Dirty white boy, Im a dirty white boy
Dirty white boy

Hey, Im a dirty white boy
Dirty white boy, yeah, Im a dirty white boy
Dirty white boy, dirty white boy, yeah

And you know what? I never get tired of that song.

And now I got a dog like that. He's a dirty white dog living in dirty white dog pigshit heaven in my backyard..

God's in his heaven. Louie's in his. All's right with the world.