AND THE ACADEMY AWARD for most the most obnoxious obsessive-compulsive TV commercial airing at all hours on commercial TV goes to. . . Zwinky.com!

Voters of the Academy had a hard time choosing between Zwinky, the baffling commercial featuring dancing hip-hop hentai cartoon kids, and Head On, the headache remedy which is the single biggest cause of sudden skull-piercing headaches caused by exposure to the advertising copy, which consists entirely of the words, "Head On. Apply directly to forehead. Head On. Apply directly to forehead. Head On. Apply directly to forehead . . ." until the onslaught of a migraine.

It's hard to out-obnoxious the blunt force trauma caused by a head-on collisiion with such a commercial (sort of the 10-second Krass Brothers men's store "You was robbed." advertising phenomenon of the 21st Century) but Zwinkydotcom won first honors because not only is the commercial airing several times an hour on the same TV shows, but its meaning is entirely incomprehensible.

The only discernable message that a viewer can be certain of from a Zwinky.com commerial are the words "Get Zwinky" which are repeated one-hundred and seventy-three thousand times in 30 seconds. What exactly Zwinky is is left to the imagination of viewers who are pummeled with cartoon images of little girls with boobs changing clothes and little boys break dancing. Apparently, Zwinky.com is an internet site where little girls can play dress up. So why is this commercial airing after midnight on such adult venues as Saturday Night live?

As a service to Metro readers, I have submitted myself to repeated viewings of the Zwinky.com commercial so that I can accurately report the actual words spoken at machine gun pace . It starts with three boys break dancing in the hallway of an apartment building. "Are the girls ready yet," asks one. "Nah, their getting Zwink with it," replies another. "That's right," says the third in a deep bass voice. Then all hell breaks loose with "Get Zwinky" chanted repeatedly , alternating with responses of "uh-huh" "that's right" and "dot com." Then you see the cartoon girls with their Betty Boop boobs dressing up as the announcer voice gets jiggy with the message, "You can be anyone. You can be yourself or someone else for fun. You can wear anything. Leather pants. Cool shoes. Spikey hair. Big bling. These are free and fun and hot. You can be a movie star and create your own plots. You can be a jet setter, or a little devil too. You can even be you. Get Zwinky. Get Zwiky. Get Zwinky."

Now you're going to be humming that all day. You've just been Manilowed.