I read the Bible not for inspiration or revelation. I read it for the surprises, the stuff I haven't heard or read; or the stuff I've heard and read a thousand times that suddenly seems -- quest que cest? -- written in a foreign language. The Bible is one of those infuriating documents that tells you more than you want to know about stuff you don't care about and not nearly enough about the stuff you do. The question "why?" never seems to have entered the authors' minds.

For instance, who is this "God" guy and why does he behave so badly? If human beings are insects in the eyes of God, then the Bible portrays Him as a 10 year-old-boy with a magnifying glass on a hot summer day. No wonder the humans in the Bible act so badly, from Cain to Judas, from Pharoh to Peter. God fucks with people contantly, almost whimsically. "Abraham! I want you to kill your son. . .Just kidding! What's the matter, can't you take a joke?" God is like some drunken bad-tempered king, like the master of the universe who is afraid his wife is cheating on him.

He smites at will, both the weak and the strong, the proud and the innocent, the schmuk and the mench. We learn nothing from God in the Bible other than he is all powerful and insecure. He even announces "I am a jealous God," as if those pagan stone statues or golden calves are in His league.

Frankly, the Bible leaves me very disappointed with God. What is He so afraid of? In the Book of Job, God and Satan are having a beer in heaven (my interpretation) when God asks Satan "have you seen my main man Job." Satan replies, "Shizzle my nizzle, but this Job cat's after your stash. Cut him loose and see what happens." So God takes the bait, like a homeboy accused of being disrespected in front of his dawgs. God tells Satan he can do anything he wants to Job short of "putting a cap in his sorry ass."

You know the rest. Satan goes medievil on Job. Takes his wealth, kills his children, afflicts him with running sores all over his body. There's even a scene where Job's wife nags him for being a such a loser as Job sits in a garbage dump scraping crusty sores off his body with a piece of broken pottery. "Why don't you curse God and die?" Mrs. Job yells at her husband. And instead of shouting, "Fuck you, bitch" Job says, "You are talking nonsense. When God sends us something good, we welcome it. How can we complain when he sends us trouble."

What Job never realizes is that all his troubles started with a barroom bet between God and Satan.

You can only imagine how drunk God was when he bet on His only son.

Of course, I haven't finished reading the entire "book," although I know how it ends. Badly, I'm afraid. Unless you consider Armageddon a good thing. I jumped to the last page and I find that the "God of wrath" from the Old Testament, now the "God of love" from the New Testament, is still the same old God.

In the final Book of Revelation, the author John feels it necessary to conclude, "if anyone adds anything [to my words], God will add to his punishment the plagues described in this book."

Doesn't this sound like the belief system we're fighting in the Middle East?

Oops, did I just stumble upon something? Is it possible that the nitwits who believe every word of the Koran are not much different than the nitwits who believe every word of the Bible? Could the God of Islam be fucking with their towel heads as much as the God of Abraham and Jesus has been fucking with ours? Can you imagine Yaweh and Allah sharing a magnifying glass over an anthill named Earth, and having a good laugh?

Neither can I. My God wouldn't play that game.