March 21, 2008

They Were Magnificent and Flawed and Ours

They Were Magnificent and Flawed and Ours

THERE'S A SCENE IN EPISODE TWO of HBO's miniseries John Adams where George Washington (David Morse) pays a visit to Abigail Adams (Laura Linney) and describes the annihilation awaiting New York City by the reinforced British army, now out for blood since their staggering losses at Lexington and Concord where one thousand redcoats were killed or wounded. Abigail Adams says to George Washington,"That such evil should befall to people. Could it be punishment for the sin of slavery?" Washington looks downward, emits a half laugh "Hmpff" in contemplation, and says finally and softly, "I cannot say."

A scene like that, so human, so dramatic, so intimate, is at the core of this wonderful series. Washington, the patrician slave owner from Virginia, commander in chief of the Continental Army, compelled to speechless acquiesence before conscience of a Massachusattes farmer's wife. And not two days after that episode aired for the first time last Sunday, Barack Obama would take the stage at the Constitution Center in Philadelphia where he would attempt to speak candidly about the issue of race, and the legacy of "America's original sin," the legal sanction of human bondage. As William Faulkner reminded us, "The past isn't dead. It isn't even past."

One of the most effecting scenes in episode two is the arguement over a vote for independence during the Second Continental Congress between John Adams and John Dickinson, leader of the Pennsylvania delegation, who urged caution in the face of the military might of what was then the most powerful army in the world. The fact that Dickinson is played by a Yugoslavian immigrant named Zeljko Inavek and Adams is played by Paul Giamatti adds a certain bittersweet irony to the equally compelling arguements by both principled men.

In the end Independence won the day because Dickinson abstained from the vote, and yet when the Declaration of Independence was read for the first time from the steps of Independence Hall, Dickinson is shown listening astride a horse dressed as an officer in the Continental Army. The dove who lost the vote for peace still donned the military uniform of his country.

When I read David McCullough's biography of John Adams, a scene I remember is that of John Adams, then president of the United States, in his nightshirt manning a Philadelphia volunteer bucket brigade during a fire in the middle of the night. The burning building belonged to a print shop that published the harshly critical newspaper supported by Adams' political enemies.

Think of that image. . .the president of the United States in his pajamas passing buckets to save the property of a man who hates his guts. It's pretty powerful stuff. I believe we will see that moment in the miniseries because episode one foreshadows that event by showing Adams running to fill a bucket from a frozen water pump at the shout of "Fire!" which turned out to be a turning point in American history called the Boston Massacre.

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February 10, 2008

Advertise here for Genital Herpes

Advertise here for Genital Herpes

"BEING CAREFUL IS VERY IMPORTANT to me," says an attractive, intelligent-looking young woman on a TV commercial that could be for wealth-management financial planning. Before I can pull out my checkbook, she adds, "Because I have genital herpes." Suddenly an attractive intelligent-looking young man steps out from behind her and adds, "And I don't."

There is something just a little too smug about both of them. Conditioned as I am by modern advertising I know that I am supposed to trust these poised confident spokespersons and whatever product they're selling. At first I was all ready to buy me some of those genital herpes because the careful woman has them. But why doesn't her boyfriend have them? Don't tell me there's a critical shortage of genital herpes!

TV commercials for these kinds of "intimate personal" products remind me of a joke that was going around when I was a teenager: a boy goes up to his mother and asks her when he'll be old enough to have a period. (This was years before the term "menstruation" was used in polite company -- let alone "genital herpes.") The mother tells the little boy that he'll never have a period and the boy begins to cry. "That's no fair! When girls get a period they get to go swimming and horseback riding and rock climbing and . . . " Drump-CHISH!

It was a more innocent time -- if not innocent, at least discreet. Young boys knew not to ask what those military field bandages in the Kotex box in the hall closet were used for. But today we are bombarded -- and I do mean bombarded -- by commercials that would have banished the TV to the garage when I was growing up. Today there's probably a generation of young boys who can't wait to be old enough to get erectile dysfunction because that means they get to wash a '58 Corvette or sit in a bathtub on the beach.

What gets me about the Valtrex commercial (that's what the genital herpes ad is selling, a drug to control outbreaks) is the creepy tone of superiority by both the herp-she and the herp-he. "Being careful is very important to me," she begins, leaving out "ever since I had that ankles-over-ears night of unprotected sex with a stranger who left me with an incurable sexually transmitted disease." And his declaration, "And I don't," leaves out "although I do wear a condom every time even though we've been together five years and while I may appear insufferably smug, in truth I am a cauldron of resentment and insecurity."

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January 20, 2008

McNulty has seen the future. And it sucks.

McNulty has seen the future.  And it sucks.

I'M WORRIED ABOUT McNULTY. Sure, I knew he was drinking again, but jeez. . .Did he have to become a serial killer to get his bosses' attention? If I have to explain the above, it will be too little too late and an injustice to you, Bunk, Bubbles, Marlo, Prop Joe, Snoop, David Simon, the City of Baltimore and the best show on television.

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September 04, 2007

Another day in paradise

Another day in paradise

I MAY BE EXPRESSING a minority opinion here, but I believe that Maury Povich and Jerry Springer have done more for interracial tolerance than Martin Luther King Jr. After all Dr. King only dreamed of the day when white people and black people would be judged not by the color of their skin, but rather by the content of their character.

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June 21, 2007

Gettin' Zwinky With It

Gettin' Zwinky With It

AND THE ACADEMY AWARD for most the most obnoxious obsessive-compulsive TV commercial airing at all hours on commercial TV goes to. . . Zwinky.com!

Voters of the Academy had a hard time choosing between Zwinky, the baffling commercial featuring dancing hip-hop hentai cartoon kids, and Head On, the headache remedy which is the single biggest cause of sudden skull-piercing headaches caused by exposure to the advertising copy, which consists entirely of the words, "Head On. Apply directly to forehead. Head On. Apply directly to forehead. Head On. Apply directly to forehead . . ." until the onslaught of a migraine.

It's hard to out-obnoxious the blunt force trauma caused by a head-on collisiion with such a commercial (sort of the 10-second Krass Brothers men's store "You was robbed." advertising phenomenon of the 21st Century) but Zwinkydotcom won first honors because not only is the commercial airing several times an hour on the same TV shows, but its meaning is entirely incomprehensible.

The only discernable message that a viewer can be certain of from a Zwinky.com commerial are the words "Get Zwinky" which are repeated one-hundred and seventy-three thousand times in 30 seconds. What exactly Zwinky is is left to the imagination of viewers who are pummeled with cartoon images of little girls with boobs changing clothes and little boys break dancing. Apparently, Zwinky.com is an internet site where little girls can play dress up. So why is this commercial airing after midnight on such adult venues as Saturday Night live?

As a service to Metro readers, I have submitted myself to repeated viewings of the Zwinky.com commercial so that I can accurately report the actual words spoken at machine gun pace . It starts with three boys break dancing in the hallway of an apartment building. "Are the girls ready yet," asks one. "Nah, their getting Zwink with it," replies another. "That's right," says the third in a deep bass voice. Then all hell breaks loose with "Get Zwinky" chanted repeatedly , alternating with responses of "uh-huh" "that's right" and "dot com." Then you see the cartoon girls with their Betty Boop boobs dressing up as the announcer voice gets jiggy with the message, "You can be anyone. You can be yourself or someone else for fun. You can wear anything. Leather pants. Cool shoes. Spikey hair. Big bling. These are free and fun and hot. You can be a movie star and create your own plots. You can be a jet setter, or a little devil too. You can even be you. Get Zwinky. Get Zwiky. Get Zwinky."

Now you're going to be humming that all day. You've just been Manilowed.

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June 11, 2007

Don't Stop Imagining

Don't Stop Imagining


WHERE WERE YOU WHEN THE CABLE WENT OFF Sunday night? I was home on a sofa with Sara. We were keeping a running guess that changed every ten seconds. We sounded like the black people who talk out loud to the actors on the screen in a movie theater. "Uh, oh, here it comes. Tony, look UP for chrissakes!" The last episode of the Sopranos was not without drama at home.

Sara had a theory, which she had vouchsafed for weeks now, that Adriana was alive. That Silvio hadn't really killed her. Why? Because -- and my wife has her reasons -- Adriana's murder was never shown on screen. All we saw was Silvio firing bullets into Adriana from Adriana's point of view. We never saw the Sam Peckinpah twitch of bullet riddled death to confirm the kill. "Everyone else who got murdered on the Soparnos, you saw them get whacked," said Sara.

Could my wife possibly be right about this? If Hesh's black girlfriend's mysterious death was, in fact, a hit, we didn't see that on screen. There must have been others we never actually saw "taken care of." I can't think of any, but there must have been. That's my position.

Anyway, under Sara's theory, Adriana is alive because Sil never killed her because Sil has been flipped by the feds. Which means that Silvio has a license to kill by the government, based on his most recent on-screen murder just a week ago.

I'm thinking all this as we creep into the second half hour of the final episode of the Sopranos. If Sara's right, a whole lot of shit has got to come down in a very short time. Where is Silvio? We know he's alive. Why hasn't Tony visited him in the hospital? By the time Tony actually does visit the comatose Sil, he has already reached out to Uncle June, who I expected to pull out an AK-47 from behind his wheelchair when Tony asks him, "You don't know who I am, do you." Uncle June's face is a rock mafioso. Maybe he's in on it, along with Adriana and Sil.

It's ten of ten. I'm getting nervous. After six seasons the countdown to resolution is mark, T-Minus, nine, eight, seven. . . Oh, God, he's in a restaurant. Every time the door opens or a coin drops, there's menace in ever image. No, not the Boy Scouts, but maybe their leader. No, not the giggling couple, unless it's the busboy. How 'bout that guy at the counter who looks like an Italian assassin. Oh wait, this guy has to walk past Tony on his way to the men's room directly across from where Tony is sitting. Wouldn't you know that two jitterbuggy-looking black males choose that moment to walk in the front door of the restaurant. The triangulation is complete.

At the table eating onion rings and discussing the future is Tony, Carmela and A.J. They're waiting on Meadow, who is parallel parking like a Jersey girl, unsuccessfully, right outside. On a tinny diner jukebox, Journey is singing "Don't Stop Believing", a hair band power ballad from Tony amd Carmela's high school years. Every word in the lyrics applied to the scene unfolding before us. As Carmella walks through the door, a high tenor voice sings, "Just a small town girl. Livin' in a lonely world. She took the midnight train. Goin' anywhere." The camera turns to Tony watching her approach, "Just a city boy. Born and raised in South Detroit. He took the midnight train. Goin' anywhere." And if you know Journey, you that the word "anywhere" takes forever to sing.

But that is the soundtrack to the last minutes of the last Sopranos. Meadow can't park worth shit. You know everyone is going to die. It's her bad parking that will save her. Journey sings, "Strangers waiting. Up and down the boulevard .Their shadows searching. In the night. Streetlights, people. Livin' just to find emotion. Hidin', somewhere in the night."
Meadow finally parks , runs across traffic to reach her family in time. We don't see the bathroom door open. We don't see the cannolis fly. All we see is the look on Tony's face as his daughter opens the diner door, which makes an old-fashioned "ding" sound as Journey shouts, "Don't stop. . ." And then the cable went out.
I knew it was too cruel to be true, but that doesn't mean it wasn't my first thought. My uttered words at the moment were more like, "No! You Di'int!" aimed at Urban Cable rather than David Chase. The blackout lasted long enough to get most broadcast engineers fired, but the silence continued all through the credits. The first time in Sopranos history when the credits rolled without sound.

Once I got over hating the ending, I loved it. Perfect. Don't have a clue what it all meant or means, but it was perfect. Because it proved everyone wrong. Except my wife, of course. Sil is still alive. Can Adriana be far behind?

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April 05, 2007

Truly, this was a big mistake in casting

Truly, this was a big mistake in casting

IF THIS IS HOLY WEEK then if must be all-Jesus all-the-time on one cable TV channel or another. I caught parts of the 1965 megaflop, The Greatest Story Ever Told, on Channel 48 the other afternoon. The movie cost $20 million to make and only earned $12 worldwide. The Greatest Story Ever Told is more famous these days as a trivia question, "Other than Ghengis Kahn, in what role was John Wayne most miscast?"

The answer is Duke as the nameless Roman centurion standing at the foot of the cross during the crucifixion scene in The Greatest Story Ever Told. Wayne's screen time totals seconds, not minutes, and he is as immobile as a statue throughout. In fact, you can't even see his lips move when he utters his only line, which steals the thunder, if you will, from the most dramatic moment in the movie.

Shortly after Christ (Max Von Sydow) utters his last words "Into your hands I commend my spirit." and expires, the heavens open up with lightening, thunder and high winds. As the multitudes cower in fear, the granite-like centurion stares at the cross and says, "Truly, this man was the son of God." Until that moment the audience isn't sure who the centurion is, but in his signature John Wayne voice, the only way to parody the scene would be to add the word "pilgrim" at the end.

Wayne's centurion is as unintentionally comical as Tony Curtis playing the Greek slave Antoninus opposite Kirk Douglas's Spartacus when he says, "Yonda lies da house of my fadah."

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March 24, 2007

Farewell Brother Pullo, Brother Vorenus

Farewell Brother Pullo, Brother Vorenus

I'm Going to Miss Them, these unlikely brothers whom I have grown to love over the last two seasons of HBO's original series Rome. That's Titus Pullo (Ray Stevenson) on the left, a drinking, whoring, warrior of Caesar's 13th Legion, who despite his willingness to kill anyone, he has a sweet, almost childlike disposition. Next to him in Lucius Vorenus (Kevin McKid), Pullo's former commanding officer who started their friendship by sentencing Pullo to death. Vorenus is everything Pullo is not -- rigid, humorless, obedient and an inflexible father of three children he hasn't seen in eight years of fighting Gauls for the glory of Rome.

Titus Pullo and Lucius Vorenus -- and as another major character (Atia of the Julii) says during an early episode in the first season, "Where do they get such wonderful names?" -- are the yin and yang of Roman soldiers in the First Century B.C. They are as different as two men can be, thrown together by circumstance, and over the course of many hardships, heartaches and slaughter, their friendship becomes a living thing, rarely spoken of but always present, between the two men.

Yes, there is also Julius Ceasar, Pompey Magnus, Marcus Junius Brutus, Gaius Octavian (the future Caesar Augutus), Mark Antony and that Egytian tart, Cleopatra, but the heart of Rome the series is the story of these two men and the friendship that binds them. The series finale Sunday night is the epic showdown between Octavian and Mark Antony, who has gone native since falling under Cleopatra's spell. Pullo now serves Octavian and Vorenus, a dead-man-walking since causing the death of his wife, is Antony's first in command. You know drama demands that our two best friends must meet on the battlfield, or its equivalent. Will they lift swords against one another?

This friendship has tested logic and the limits of human endurance. Each man has proven himself willing to sacrifice his life for the other. But they both possess something even more powerful than love -- honor. From the time of Rome until now, a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.

The scene no Rome fan will ever forget is Episode 11 in Season One when Titus Pullo is sentenced to death for being an assassin for hire. Julius Caesar tells Vorenus, "I know he is as brother to you but the execution must not be stopped." Vorenus is dispatched to make sure that no Roman Legionnaires in street clothes come to Pullo's rescue in the open air courtroom where Pullo is sentenced to death. Vorenus spots a few waiting members of the 13th Legion, and orders them to leave, Then he follows Pullo to the gladiator pit where the execution will take place in front of a bloodthirsty crowd of cheering Roman rabble..

Pullo is handed a sword, which he tosses aside, and sits on the sand awaiting his fate. Three armed gladiators approach him. "Come on. now. Give them a little show. We'll make it quick," says one. "It looks bad if we do it like this." Pullo sits with his chin on his knees and his arms wrapped around them. "I just want to die, alraight." The gladiators start to mock him, his manhood, his mother anything to get a rise out of him. Pullo refuses. Then one of the gladiators says, "You were with the 13th weren't you? The 13th are nothing but cunts and cocksuckers." Pullo give him a look, "Don't talk about the 13th." The other gladiators pick up the taunt. As one pokes Pullo with his spear, Pullo grabs it from his hands, impales another with it, picks up the first gladiator and throws him onto a protruding spike in the wall, and then grabs the shield from a third gladiator and beheads him with it.

A bloody Pulla stands in the ring and starts chanting, "Thirteenth! Thirteenth! Thirteenth!" as the crowd goes wild and four more gladiators walk into the pit. Vorenus watches with clenched first and an agonized expression. Pullo kills the other four one by one, but he is exhausted and badly hurt. An iron gate opens and an incredible giant walks out armed with a spiked club. He knocks the sword out of Pullo's hand with a mere swipe. He brings Pullo to his knees and takes his sweet time bringing the the club above his head for the final death stroke.

Vorenus has seen enough. Forgetiing Ceasar, his wife and his three children, Vorenus steps into the ring with a sword, chanting "Thirteenth! Thirteenth! Thirteenth!" The giant turns around, almost amused. He brings his club down on Vorenus, who blocks it with his sword, but looks like a child doing so. The giant is quick, he stabs Vorenus in the stomach with the spike on the head of his club. Vorenus rolls on the ground, and in a single motion slices the giant's leg in two just below the knee. The giant falls to the sand on his bloody stump and kneels as Vorenus stands above and using the giant's own weapon, pushes the sword downward through the giant's neck into his heart.

The crowd goes nuts. Vorenus gathers Pullo from the sand and the two bloodied friend stagger out of the arena, as the red-caped Roman soldiers part to allow the heroes to pass. Awesome.

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March 18, 2007

Are You Smarter Than a Freakin' Fifth Grader?

Are You Smarter Than a Freakin' Fifth Grader?

I like to think of myself as being reasonably well-educated, both in the academic and street smart sense. I know enough to impress or irritate other people in a bar where everyone is shouting out answers at the TV during Jeopardy by framing my answer as a question and quietly saying, "Who is Nobel?" before Alex Trebek has finished reading his answer about Swedish inventors.

I'd love to be a contestant on Jeopardy or Millionaire, and on any given night I think I'd have an even chance of winning, as long as the categories ranged in my wheelhouse of general knowledge. For instance, I could tell you that the indentation on your upper lip under your nose is called a philtrum and that the metal part of a knife inside the handle is called a tang and that Babe Ruth's lifetime batting average is .342.

The need for such information doesn't come up in real life often, if ever, but there it is stored away in some part of my brain along with seldom sung lyrics of bawdy rugby songs. I make room for all this useless information by instantly forgetting what I wrote about last week or the names of people I just met.

One thing I am sure of is that I could mop the floor with any ten-year-old contestant in the new hit TV game show Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?. I take that back. I could compete with a ten-year-old contestant, and I could mop the floor with most adult contestants. Why? Well, believe it or not, I actually remember most of what I learned in fifth grade (Shout out to Sister Ann Miriam at St. Margaret's.) When I was in fifth grade, tin was the answer to any question involving Bolivia and South America had lakes with unforgettable names like Maracaibo and Titicaca.

In those days, DeSoto was the name of a car, as well as an explorer, Balboa was a Spanish Conquistador and not a five-sequel movie boxer nicknamed the Italian Stallion, and DeLeon was famous for discovering Florida while looking for something else, even though I knew him best as my amazingly youthful Uncle Ponce. OK, maybe I had reasons for remembering fifth grade.

What surprises me are the number of adults who have no clue and trumpet it. In a story Saturday about the new game show's phenomenal success, Associated Press reporter David Bauder felt unmanned by a fifth grader who knew that a trapezoid has four sides. "Trapezoid," Bauder wrote. "Whats a trapezoid?" I teach English and journalism at a local college, which shall remain nameless so as not to embarrass the college or my students, because I gave my English Composition students a ten question quiz from questions on Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader? and my college students weren't. Only two out of twelve of them passed, barely, with seven correct. Most scored five or fewer correct. Questions like, "true or false, the word 'easily' is an example of an adjective." Frankly, (that's an adverb) I was stunned. And the students seemed more pleased by what they answered correctly, than the awful truth that they just flunked fifth grade.

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March 04, 2007

What's Up With the Caveman Attitude?

What's Up With the Caveman Attitude?

I'm afraid the answer is Madison Avenue. The question is, what are those GEICO caveman TV ads all about? That they're well done, hilarious and ubiquitous is obvious. But what are they about? What is this insurrection? Who are the cavemen supposed to be? Aborigine yuppie scum? Are we supposed to hate them or love them and why? And any advertising campaign that features a caveman visiting his therapist and taking a cell phone call from his mother, telling his therapist, "I'll put it on speaker" is asking to be asked what's this all about, really?

Whatever it is it's gay. And by gay I mean metrosexual. And by metrosexual I mean any straight man who looks gay and doesn't care. The GEICO cavemen are too J. Crew casually well dressed, too snarky, too entitled, too impossibly hateable to be anything other than a specific example of some despised cliche within existing humanoids. What are these cavemen trying to prove? That they've been there, done that? Seen it all? Been forgotten? Upset at nobody noticing their contributions to rudimentary human accomplishments? These caveman TV commercial catch phrases are as iconic as "Where's the beef?" and "Step away from the chaluppah." yet their meaning is challenging, even disturbing. "I'll have the roast duck with the mango salsa," says the first caveman in response to the GEICO guy's apology. And the second caveman steals that scene by handing the menu back to the waiter dismissively. "I'm sorry I don't have much of an appetite.'' while giving the GEICO guy a look that could stop time. What the commercials are clearly not about is automobile insurance.

In my larger imagination, I see this enigmatic TV commercial phenomenon as being quite positive, like the coming of the anti-ad. The faux meaning exposed. The truth revealed. But what is faux? And who is foe? Who are we supposed to identify with? The caveman who says, "You know I'm not 100 percent in love with your tone" or the parody Fox cable channel talking head who says, "Looks like somebody woke up on the wrong side of the rock."? The newest GEICO caveman ad has the same combative cable TV news channel split screen confrontation, with the caveman's only comment being an exasperated, "What?!" Whatever. Maybe the meaning of of these ads is no more complex than the lyrics of a Kinks song: "I'm an ape man, I'm an ape ape man, I'm an ape man."

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November 01, 2006

A few minutes with alzheimers

A few minutes with alzheimers

THE FUNNIEST OBSERVATION Andy Rooney ever had during his thousand year reich as a commentator on 60 Minutes was when noted that a guy with a size seven hat size and a size 17 neck size should be able to pull his dress shirt over his head without unbuttoning the top button. I didn't say it was hilarious but it was funny. And that was, like, 25 years ago.

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October 29, 2006

Still scary after all these years

Still scary after all these years

You know what scares me? The last scene in The Night of the Living Dead. There's something about meathooks, especially meathooks carrying the carcass of the hero who gets thrown on a bonfire of zombie corpses like tossing another shrimp on the barbie.

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October 10, 2006

Sucks to be you

Sucks to be you

I'M SORRY but this picture of sadness makes me very happy. Very happy indeed. These are the faces of two Dallas fans at the Linc on Sunday late in the fourth quarter while the Eagles were driving the last nail into America's Team and T.O., America's Egotist, 38-24.. Two days later it still feels grand.

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October 08, 2006

We got your popcorn, right HERE, Pal!

We got your popcorn, right HERE, Pal!

WELCOME TO T.O. SUNDAY and boy did the crowds turn out for the free beer (yes, you heard that right!) and free popcorn that the Fox NFL pregame show provided for Eagles fans outside the Linc before today's Eagles-Cowboys game. The 4:15 p.m. start almost guarantees that the 700 level faithful will be a staggering mob by game time.

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September 11, 2006

City on a wire

City on a wire

MEET MARLO. . . THE NEW LORD OF BALTIMORE

What a fine piece of work that first episode of the new HBO season of The Wire was Sunday night. From the first scene with the girl (I thought it was a young boy, but my wife said, "That's a girl" and, indeed, in the last scene I saw that it was, in fact, a girl) handing the Home Depot guy $800 for "selling the shit" out of a nail gun that the salesman called "the Cadillac" of large caliber, semi-automatic nail guns -- I knew that the show had taken a sharp turn, as it often has, toward the truth. Or reality. Or reality seeking the truth.

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